Thoughts of an Insomniac

Every single night, my dreams take me to places I wish I can be at, and brings me with people I wish I can be with. We chat, play, laugh, and do lots of things together. But when I open my eyes, to find out that it was just a dream, I get all depressed and melancholic.
Maybe that's why I don't feel like sleeping anymore?

On a side note, I should stop acting like a drama queen, and do something about it!

Longing to Belong

According to one contemporary viewpoint, all human beings need a certain minimum quantity of regular, satisfying, social interactions. Inability to meet this need results in loneliness, mental distress, and a strong desire to form new relationships.

I just don't belong here..

Pear and Anise Muffins, and Anise Biscuits

I love to try anything that has anise because I enjoy its flavor. These are two recipes that contain anise that I've tried recently.

Pear and Anise Muffins

Ingredients:
1 medium can pears (around 400g)
2 cups flour
1/3 cups finely chopped almonds
2 tsp grated lemon rind
2 tsp ground anise
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup vegetable oil
2/3 cup sour cream or buttermilk (can be substituted with yogurt, milk, or a mixture of both)

Method:
Heat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius.
Drain the pears (catching the juice) and cut into small pieces. Carefully mix the flour with the baking powder, baking soda, ground anise, almonds, and chopped pears.

Lightly beat the eggs in a bowl with the vanilla and lemon rind. Add the sugar, oil, sour cream and 80 ml pear juice and mix well. Add the dry ingredients to the egg mixture and mix just long enough to moisten the dry ingredients.

Butter the muffin tin or place a paper baking case in each cup. Spoon the mixture into the tin or the paper cases.

Bake on the middle shelf of the oven for about 20 minutes or until a wooden toothpick comes out clean. Take out of the oven, leave the muffins in the tin for a further 5 minutes, then take out and cool.

You can cover them with cream cheese frosting or just leave them without any decoration.

Anise Biscuits

Ingredients:
3/4 cup oil
2 eggs
1 cup icing sugar
2 tbsp anise seeds
1 tsp ground anise
1 tsp baking powder
3 1/2 cups flour ( you may not need all the quantity , so add little by little until you can work with the dough)

Mix all the ingredients, roll out the dough between two pieces of baking paper, cut into shapes, and bake in a preheated oven until light gold. Let cool. Enjoy!

When the Arabs come out of Hibernation

Our eyes have been directed with anxiety and hope towards Egypt for the past days, like they were directed towards Tunis before. Being proud of what the guys are doing over there is something beyond description. We've never thought that a day will come for us to witness something like this happening in an Arab country to make us feel "proud" of being "Arabs". We've always looked at ourselves as failures, not able to do anything useful for our nations and countries, not able to make any good change whatsoever, simply because we are afraid of saying NO . Now after decades of living under tyranny, oppression and injustice, "the youth" have finally decided that it's time for a CHANGE, a big one! And this time it's for them, the youth, to choose how and in what way this change is going to happen. It's up to them now to choose the lives they want to lead, the way they want to be treated, as humans that is, to break the chains they've been bound in forever. It's about time to smell liberty and fill their lungs with the breath of freedom!

We stood up for this revolution, we embraced it. It was like, deep inside, we've been longing for such a thing to happen since a long time. It's like, these guys, at Tahrir Square are speaking the mind of each one of us. They are representing us, and we are supporting them with all our mights, with our hearts, and prayers, trying our best to back them up against dictatorship, if not by being with them, which is something that many of us sincerely wish they can do, then through the internet and the social networks that are, undoubtedly, playing an important role in this glorious revolution. 

Bouazizi was the sparkle that triggered the revolution in Tunis, that spread afterward to other countries, mainly Egypt. While the Tunisian revolution ended up with the fleeing of the dictator to Saudi Arabia, the Egyptian Pharaoh, who has led Egypt for 30 years, will stay until September. Turning a deaf ear to the voices of his people and his allies that are asking him to step down, Mubarak is determined not to quit, causing more chaos and more bloodshed. More than 300 killed, thousands injured, hundreds captivated and tortured since the beginning of this revolution on the 25 of January 2011, revealing to the word the indescribable brutality of this corrupt regime.The regime that payed its thugs to attack and kill its own people who are there merely asking for their simplest rights in the most peaceful and civilized manner.

Despite all that, the Egyptian people, young and old, men and women, Muslims and Christians, stand united in the face of tyranny, fighting all attempts to kill their revolution, just to make us more proud. 

Tunisians and the Egyptians have taught the dictators a big lesson, we need more honorable and brave people like these so that all the corrupt regimes in our countries collapse one after another.

Good Old Blogging Days

Being here feels like visiting a deserted childhood home.. where each room, each corner holds a memory... Puffing the dust off the old posts brings back lots of memories... and with them smiles and sighs... Seems like I used to put much of "me" into this blog. This place was my diary, my space, the "sanctuary" I used to resort to to mumble whatever comes to my mind, as the title of my blog points out.*

I started blogging in December 2005. This blog is five years old? I'm SHOCKED! thanks to my friend Raeef who introduced me to the blogging world. I loved the idea of blogging, of having a space to share one's thoughts , to vent or maybe just ramble or mumble, and to meet great bloggers some of which has became friends.

I think that it was an awesome initiative (taken by Abed andRasha) to bring us, the old bloggers, back together. The idea, to me, was quite motivating and encouraging to get back to blogging after being away for quite a while. I've been wanting to blog for sometime and just needed this push. It, apparently, took me some time eh? :D

*(Speaking about titles, I changed the title of my blog twice before. First it was Tulip, since I was fond of tulips (and still) at the time I started blogging. Then I changed it to Rainbow Drops before someone pointed out that the title suggests that it's a "gays" blog since gays use the rainbow as their symbol. OOoops! I changed the title right away :D)

Zeeroteen and Oneteen

So Kareem already identifies the numbers from zero to ten, but after teaching him the numbers eleven to twenty, 10 becomes zeeroteen not to mention that 11 is oneteen!

بدّي أفرح بشبابي

Kareem came to me once and said:" Mama, bedi afra7 bi shababi".

I was like, HUH??? Come again please! What have you just said???? o_O

Kareem: "bedi afra7 bi shababi!"

My God! What I heard was clear, no way to be mistaken, bedo yefra7 bi shababo??

I cracked up before remembering that it's that song on toyor el jannah that he used to watch in Jordan!

But for God's sake, among all the songs that he knows, why on earth did he choose this sentence in particular??

I still laugh my heart out every time I recall this incident.

Cookies

Kareem went to the kitchen and found me cutting biscotti logs. He asked: "Mom, what are you doing?" I said:" preparing cookies". He opened his eyes in disbelief and started crying. "I want to make cookies, I want to make cookies with youuuuu." He was sooooo mad, sad, and disappointed. I couldn't stand the looks in his eyes, and the tears, as if he was trying to say: HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU BAKE COOKIES WITHOUT ME!! THIS IS BETRAYAL, BACKSTABBING!!

Actually he's used to prepare cookies with me, cutting and decorating, he enjoys it. He couldn't believe that this time it wasn't the ordinary cookies that we usually prepare together.

I felt guilty, calmed him down and gave him a piece of biscotti to cut. He started cutting and eating, with tears still falling from his eyes, he said: Hmmmm, LATHEETHAH.

He drew a smile on my face, and his. :)

بهدوووووء

Kareem was playing today, preteding, and talking to his toys when I suddenly heard him saying: bi hodoo2

Huh? bi hodoo2? Never mind, I thought to myself, I must have misheard him. But he repeated it, bi hodoo2. Then I burst out laughing, wak ya maf3oos, where do u get such expressions from? bi hodoo2 2oltelli?

So, here's another word added to his "fos7a" dictionary. However, the most common fos7a word that Kareem uses is فقاعات (bubbles). He loves to see foqa3at, and to blow foqa3at, and to listen to the foqa3at song on Bara3m channel. And when he sees bubbles anywhere, especially at Early Learning Center, he gets all excited and starts screaming foqa3aaaaaaaaaat foqa3aaaat. I, myself, am not familiar with this term, 2al foqa3at 2al.

Good Boy

I was working on some tracing sheets with Kareem, and while explaining to him how he's supposed to hold the pencil and join the dots I said: hek, emshi 3al 5a6! So he stood up and literally walked on the paper. Meshi 3al 5a6, lol

Kareem turns Two

Kareem is growing and so is my love for him :)

My sweet boy will turn two in 4 days! July, 12, 2010 (but we actually had a party last month before he left the nursery :)

He speaks very well mashallah compared to his age.
He can count to 10 in both Arabic and English, knows a few colors and shapes, and can sing many nursery rhymes and children's songs in both languages.
His favorite show and favorite character ever is Barney. He also likes Dora, Obi, and Thomas, but Barney is number one.
His favorite dish is stuffed vine leaves. He eats it with passion actually, No wonder! :D He also, like most toddlers his age, likes rice with yogurt (loz laban), and french fries with sabbab (Ketchup).
He has many friends, they all love him, and he's the favorite of many of them.
They describe him at the nursery as the "classy" boy. Yeah right! See how classy he is at home, haha
I love to spend sometime watching him, do nothing but watch him, while playing, eating, sleeping... my most precious moments :)
I love his smell, even when he stinks :D
I love his smile, his laugh, his voice..
I love his eyes, especially when he laughs, I love his tiny mouth and nose, his cheeks are so edible and so are his toes, I so want to eat him alive!
I love how he runs to hug me
I love it when he kisses me saying 7abeebi mama, and when sympathizes with me and insists to kiss el wawa if he saw a tiny cut or sth. on my skin.
I love it when he starts singing spontaneously while playing and then hides his face with his hands when he discovers that we're listening to and watching him.
I love it when he's in a good mood and asks us to play some music so that he can dance :D
I like (and hate at the same time) how independent he is! He chooses what he wants to eat,and recently what he wants to wear, what he wants to watch or listen to, and where to go!
I like how clean he is, his hands have to always be clean even if he hasn't finished eating yet.
I love it when he learns and says a new word.
and I can go on and on...

Still, I hate how clingy he is sometimes and refuses to leave me even for five minutes.
I hate it when he gets sick
I hate it when he's moody and fussy and all my attempts to please him fail
I hate it when I lose my temper and yell at him or even adroboh diddeh on his hand
I hate that he learnt at the nursery to be possessive, and refuses sometimes to let anyone touch his things shouting: ELE (it's mine).

Katkotati, I can't really express how precious you are to me and how much I love you. May God protect you and keep you healthy and safe.
Happy birthday darling! Many many happy returns of the day, FA3ESSSSSSSSSSSSS

Khalto Diana

Guess what Kareem is calling me these days.
Khaltoo Dianaaaaaaaaaa, khalto Dianaaaaaaaaaa
He heard his cousins calling me that, so he liked the idea :D
Kareem is almost two years old now.
Am I back to blogging? Well, I hope so but I can't promise. I miss this place so much.

beeb beeeeeeb

As I mentioned before Kareem was sick for a while and I was extremely worried about his complete loss of appetite. He used to refuse any kind of food even the things that he usually likes and heartily eats. I tried different methods and different kinds of food to encourage him to eat, but in vain. He lost weight of course and the doctor said that everything will be OK soon so there's no need to worry. I couldn't of course but remain worried.
The other day, I was so desperate that I decided to buy him a doughnut, I wanted him to eat, anything, healthy or not, el mohem yakol, ay shi. And I thought that a doughnut would be tempting enough for him to take a bite or two. When I handed it to him, he took it, (OK that's a good sign since he refused even to hold the food back then , there is hope that he may give it a try, and then he will like it and eat it all, and I'll be very happy and this will make my day... and everyone will live happily ever after :p)
All these thoughts ran through my head like a flash while Kareem was examining the doughnut, and we were waiting eagerly for him to start eating, yalla.. bismillah.. but instead of putting it in his mouth he started turning it left and right, like a steering wheel, saying: beeb beeeeeeb

What Scares Kareemo

We took Kareem for his "second" haircut yesterday. And for the second time, he cried his eyes out. A boy just his age did a haircut before him and didn't cry at all. He was busy watching barney. Although Kareem LOVES barney and was dancing and enjoying the show while waiting for his turn, he couldn't sit still and all the attempts to distract him and convince him to relax and watch barney went in vain.
Did I mention that the first time I felt that Kareem needs a haircut I did the haircut myself? :D w 3ainkon ma tshoof sho kanat el nateejeh, HILARIOUS :D.. literally zigzag cause he kept moving his head. Yeah, I'm blaming it all on him, 3ala asas I'm a good hairdresser :D bas tab3an 7arramet.

Kareem is also scared of the sound of the vaccum cleaner and of shower heads, he never allows me to give him a bath using a shower, so I use a bucket :S and everytime I try to use the shower head which is more practical and easier to manage he starts screaming and trembling. I don't know what to do about it!

Biddi

Kareem has learnt the word biddi and it became the most frequent word that he uses these days.
Mama, biddi may (water), biddi byebye, biddi beeb beeb, biddi baba, biddi bish (potato chips), biddi koko (biscuits), biddi, biddi, biddi...

Random Thoughts

I feel so sorry and guilty for neglecting this blog. But what can I do? I have no time AT ALL to update it :(. However, I posted something here that included some updates about Kareem.
Anyway...
-Kareem is sick, he's been sick since a while actually. Cold and fever every couple of weeks. I know it's normal, and it happens to all children, but I hate to see him weak and cranky. And I'm worried about his loss of appetite.
-He talks a lot :D (Of course we understand a word or two) and repeats anything he hears. He is sooo CUTE mashAllah. I can barely stop myself from biting him.
-He's been a very peaceful and ahbal baby, and I was worried about that cause he never shows any attempt to defend himself whenever another baby attacks him or does anything wrong to him. Until out of a sudden, there was a HUGE change, he not only knows how to defend himself now, but he's the one who starts the fight sometimes :S
As much as I wanted him to stop being ahbal and learn how to defend himself, I don't feel comfortable about the whole matter anymore because he kind of zawadha. He's saying (and doing) too much "diddi" these days, even to us, me and his father. And I don't know what to do about it! I've been told to totally ignore him and things will get better by themselves. But I just can't, I need something faster and more efficient.
Struggling with behavior and displine already, eh? :D

Midnight Blabbering

Kareem is thirteen months old now. I intended to post something on the blog on his first birthday, to talk much about him, about me, about us.. about the past year.. but I couldn't, I was internetless then..
Anyway, while I'm supposed to be deeply asleep now, I find myself blabbering here... I missed this place, I miss so many things in my life.. and most importantly I miss me, myself, my old self.. I fail to recognize who I am anymore.. I fail to have this connection with my inner self ..
Is it only me, or being a wife/mother is really a tough job?? I mean I see other mothers who don't seem to be having a hard time in doing their jobs, Allahoma la 7asad, and seem to be enjoying their lives, finding time to go out, to watch TV, to spend a couple of hours online, chatting or whatever.. in addition to many other things.. Why don't I have time to do that?? Is it something wrong with me or with organizing my life or what is the problem exactly? Why don't I have time to watch TV for example ? Nefsi a7darli shi movie aw shi mosalsal, lol, I only watch snippets. I miss reading, I got this new book, and believe it or not, I read the first page like ten times, you know why? because everytime I start reading ,something happens , el tabkha, el walad, ma ba3ref sho..., and I leave the book, come back later, start all over again, then leave it, start again, and so on... Eventually I gave up and threw it among the other books. And this small incident made me feel bad and made me feel pity for myself.
Not that I'm not enjoying being a mom and a wife, I mean Kareem and his father mean the world to me and I love them so much and can't imagine my life without them, but it's just one of those times when I feel that I'm totally exhausted and drained and need a break. I was counting on the vacation to have some rest, but the vacation is over, back to school tomorrow, and Mr. Rest hasn't arrived yet :D
We had to move to a new place and stuff, so we spent the vacation here in Dubai. Not going to Lebanon, and not seeing my mom, who misses Kareem terribly, is also something that makes me feel bad.
Anyway, Kareem is a walker now, he starts walking like a couple of weeks ago, and he's enjoying it :D runnig around the house all day long... Seeing him walking was so heartwarming, my little man is growing fast..
His babbling is really funny, I wish I can know what exactly he's trying to say :D But of course he says some recognizable words like: mama, baba, may (water), num(food), batta(duck), babeh(tabeh=ball), yayeh(jajeh=chicken), bye, ayo (alo), ban (laban=yogurt), ban can also stand for baloon :D, bayi (barney, his favorite show), and guess what? he calls his father Ammaaaaay :D He hears me calling him Ammar Ammar, so he now calls him Ammay instead of baba :D
OK, that made me feel better, I guess I must go get some sleep now. My sleep debt is growing bigger :S
Have a blessed Ramadan everyone! :)

Hello there!

I feel bad for not updating this blog since a long while, for not writing about Kareem's first tooth, the first time he crawled, the first time he stood, his first days at the daycare, the first time he waved goodbye, the first time he clapped his hands, the first time he said mama and baba. I really feel so sorry for missing all these and other chances and not updating Kareem's blog regularly, but at the same time, I can't blame myself because I've been, and still, reeeeeeally busy and I have neither the time nor the peace of mind to write about anything or to even touch the computer sometimes.
As many of you know, I started a new job three months ago, yes I'm back to teaching, and no time for anything, just the job, the house, and Kareem. but elhamdulillah, despite the exhaustion, I feel much better, way better than being a stay-at-home wife and mother. Even Kareem has changed a lot since ever he started going to the daycare (which happens to be in the same school I work at) and seeing other babies and toddlers. He became more sociable and more happy. He used to be very shy and very scared of people.
Anyway, two more weeks and we'll take our summer vacation, still haven't decided whether we'll go to Lebanon and/or Jordan yet, what's important is that I need this vacation soooo badly.
I hope I can have more time to blog again, and to read your blogs, missed those days..
that's it for now, just thought of dropping a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive :D

Barefoot Kareem

It's been ages since I last wrote anything here!
Anyway, Kareem now enjoys playing with his feet. No more shoes for him cause he takes them off :D. He even takes his socks off!! The other day a man called us at the supermarket, he was saying something and pointing at the floor, we looked to find out that Kareem threw his socks there, lol

Lately, he not only plays with his feet, he puts them in his mouth and starts sucking his toes, hahaha, and he looks so cute when doing so :D

Realization

Q:When do you realize that you are really nervous?
A:When you brush your teeth so vigorously until your gum bleeds.

Back to School

Gazan Mothers, My Heart Goes Out to You

I was expecting visitors on that day.. I was alone, busy, cleaning, preparing food, and baking some sweets... moving from a room to another, and of course having Kareem with me wherever I go.. I went to the living room, carrying my baby in his carrycot, when suddenly the handle of the carrycot was unlocked and Kareem was there... lying on the floor...screaming like crazy...

I couldn't believe that this was really happening... I must be dreaming... it must be the worst nightmare ever!

I rushed to hold him... to check whether he was hurt or not... I could see nothing, no bruises, no blood, but he was crying so hard. My heart almost stopped. I was shaking all over, my tears were falling down my face... and I could barely speak when I called my husband asking him to come home IMMEDIATELY. I was in Abu Dhabi, and he in Dubai, and I wanted him to come immediately, lol
He tried to calm me down so that he can understand what happened, meanwhile Kareem was starting to calm down in his turn until his crying stopped. Minutes later he started acting normally, but I was not, was still worried, overwhelmed with grief, anxiety, pain and guilt, kissing and hugging him passionately, and repeating to myself, I will never forgive myself, I will never forgive myself, it's all my fault, I will never forgive myself
Back to my senses, I found myself soaking wet. Kareem was staring at me in surprise maybe wondering why was I crying. I made a phone call apologizing to the guests that I won't be able to receive them. To make the story short, when Ammar came home, we took Kareem to the doctor who assured us that there was nothing wrong with him, thank God. But still, I will never forgive myself .

This happened like a month ago, and every time I try to blog about it, I get so emotional, delete what I typed and abandon the whole idea.

The emotional impact of this incident was so overwhelming. It is so hard for a mother to see her baby hurt, not even a bit, or to hear him crying in pain.

Now watching what's going on in Gaza, the 315+ children who were killed, and the hundreds or thousands others who were badly injured, burned, or lost their limbs, I can't really imagine how would their mothers be feeling now. I just can't! If I went through all this torture when my baby fell and wasn't a bit hurt, what are these mothers going through now????
I'm all out of words!

The Sleepless Mom

So, finally Kareem fell asleep.. and as it is the case every night, I take advantage of being alone and free at last to have some "me" time before he wakes up again. By "me" time I definitely don't mean going shopping or going out with friends or relax or watch a movie or maybe read a book or something, as I used to do before, my me time these days is no more than check mail, send a message, make a phone call, or take a quick peek at my favorite websites, not to mention enjoying a cup of hot cocoa or ice-cream or any other guilty pleasure. I actually cherish this time when I am finally all alone, when I can do what I previously mentioned without having to be in a hurry...
*sigh*

So, instead of heading directly to bed to get some sleep after a hectic day, I find myself seduced by a state of silence and solitude to stay awake and enjoy it as it lasts.
Every morning, when I wake up so tired and sleepy, because Kareem wakes up like every hour or two at night, I blame myself for staying awake after my baby sleeps and decide that I'll never do it again and I better have some mercy and get myself some sleep cause in my case, every minute of sleep counts! And here I am, can't overcome the temptation of having some time for myself, and can't fall asleep despite the severe sleep deprivation I am suffering from. I don't remember when was the last time I had a good night's sleep. I've been sleep deprived since I was pregnant, so it's been more than a year now.... Sometimes, I feel lucky that I still remember my own name, LOL!! Seriously, I'm losing it! Can't function or focus, can't concentrate on anything. And guess what?? I'm looking for a job! Isn't that funny! :D

I'll talk about the job thingie later, and why I am looking for a job, but now, what was I talking about?? Oh yes, the sleeplessness, I need to find a solution sooo badly. Remember when I let Kareem cry himself to sleep? I felt so guilty afterwards and decided never to do it again no matter what, and completely abandoned the whole idea of letting my baby cry it out. So I searched and searched and read so many articles about this problem until I came across this book, The No Cry Sleep Solution, read it and just started following the instructions. Now I have my fingers crossed hoping that this plan will work and I finally get some sleep and start functioning like a normal human being again, lol .

Starting Solids

Although it is advised not to give solid foods to babies under 6 months, I believe that some can be ready to move beyond milk-only nourishment at 4 or 5 months, depending on some signs of course.
I was planning to introduce solids to Kareem when he turns 4 months and see whether he's ready or not. The other day I was eating a banana and Kareem was looking at me when I suddenly thought, ok well, why not give it a try NOW :D so I mashed a little piece of the banana, about one tablespoon, and put a small amount in Kareem's mouth. At first he looked curious, as if trying to discover the new taste and texture, then he got excited and gave me signs that he liked it and wanted MORE, lol. The next day I got him rice cereal and I've been feeding him about one tablespoon a day and will increase the amount gradually. So, Kareem is ready and absolutely loves this new experience.

My New AddictionS

Crunchy peanut butter and strawberry jam.

Tea biscuits with tea, coffee or milk. This addiction actually started when I was pregnant, like the many other things that I couldn't find an explanation to, I so craved biscuits with milk to the extent that instead of just dipping the biscuits into milk, I used to fill the milk mug with biscuits until smooth and eat it with a spoon, heaven! :D