Thoughts of an Insomniac

Every single night, my dreams take me to places I wish I can be at, and brings me with people I wish I can be with. We chat, play, laugh, and do lots of things together. But when I open my eyes, to find out that it was just a dream, I get all depressed and melancholic.
Maybe that's why I don't feel like sleeping anymore?

On a side note, I should stop acting like a drama queen, and do something about it!

Longing to Belong

According to one contemporary viewpoint, all human beings need a certain minimum quantity of regular, satisfying, social interactions. Inability to meet this need results in loneliness, mental distress, and a strong desire to form new relationships.

I just don't belong here..

The Sleepless Mom

So, finally Kareem fell asleep.. and as it is the case every night, I take advantage of being alone and free at last to have some "me" time before he wakes up again. By "me" time I definitely don't mean going shopping or going out with friends or relax or watch a movie or maybe read a book or something, as I used to do before, my me time these days is no more than check mail, send a message, make a phone call, or take a quick peek at my favorite websites, not to mention enjoying a cup of hot cocoa or ice-cream or any other guilty pleasure. I actually cherish this time when I am finally all alone, when I can do what I previously mentioned without having to be in a hurry...
*sigh*

So, instead of heading directly to bed to get some sleep after a hectic day, I find myself seduced by a state of silence and solitude to stay awake and enjoy it as it lasts.
Every morning, when I wake up so tired and sleepy, because Kareem wakes up like every hour or two at night, I blame myself for staying awake after my baby sleeps and decide that I'll never do it again and I better have some mercy and get myself some sleep cause in my case, every minute of sleep counts! And here I am, can't overcome the temptation of having some time for myself, and can't fall asleep despite the severe sleep deprivation I am suffering from. I don't remember when was the last time I had a good night's sleep. I've been sleep deprived since I was pregnant, so it's been more than a year now.... Sometimes, I feel lucky that I still remember my own name, LOL!! Seriously, I'm losing it! Can't function or focus, can't concentrate on anything. And guess what?? I'm looking for a job! Isn't that funny! :D

I'll talk about the job thingie later, and why I am looking for a job, but now, what was I talking about?? Oh yes, the sleeplessness, I need to find a solution sooo badly. Remember when I let Kareem cry himself to sleep? I felt so guilty afterwards and decided never to do it again no matter what, and completely abandoned the whole idea of letting my baby cry it out. So I searched and searched and read so many articles about this problem until I came across this book, The No Cry Sleep Solution, read it and just started following the instructions. Now I have my fingers crossed hoping that this plan will work and I finally get some sleep and start functioning like a normal human being again, lol .

MAD

and where else to vent, my dear blog of course!
*Kareem was sick. I couldn't sleep last night. His coughing and noisy breath made me worried and nervous. I couldn't wake him up to clean his stuffy nose for I knew how upset he usually becomes when someone wakes him up. My poor baby. I couldn't hear him breathing like that, as if I was the one who's finding a difficulty in breathing not him. He's much better today, thank God!

*So, on the first day of Ramadan, I am tired, sleepy, a bit hungry but verrrrry thirsty.

*I almost had a fight with the neighbors, yeah yeah on the first day of Ramadan, because Kareem was terrified by the fireworks noise their children were playing with! Not to mention the loud music the other neighbors play which is very disturbing. I wish I can report them to the police.

*I can't believe how "shallow" and silly some people are! I hate the fact that I have to deal with this sort of people.

Ramadan Mubarak sa7ee7 :$

Marital Jealousy

I’ve always related jealousy to lack of trust, or lack of self confidence or both (let alone that some men fake or exaggerate in showing their jealousy just to impress their girls). And since I have neither, there’s no need to be jealous. I’m an open-minded girl. I’d never mind if my husband has female friends with whom he’d talk and go out since I know all about it and nothing is happening behind my back. The last thing I would like to become is a silly, jealous, suspicious, controlling wife. Marriage is not a prison of two people after all, is it?

However, that was all before I got married. Now things have turned 180 degrees. Among the changes that happened to me during the past few months, I noticed that I’ve actually became jealous! But now I do not relate this jealousy to lack of self confidence or lack of trust, I relate it to excessive love that would result in a kind of possessiveness and consequently jealousy. I’d get really really REALLY furious whenever a girl crosses her limits while talking and laughing and joking with my husband. To her, he’s still the same old friend and she will still treat him the same way not taking into consideration that he’s now married to a woman who loves him and who happens to be sitting with her right now imagining, while smiling and pretending to be nice, that she’s engaging with her in a cat fight, pulling her hair, smashing her teeth and yelling at her LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE, HE’S MINE! Yes, to my surprise, I actually sank to that level, I hereby declare.

The husband, I believe, loves it when he sees his wife jealous! And to make things worse, he takes advantage of this week point of hers to tease her and enjoys watching her boiling in anger! Wicked men! oops I forgot that my husband reads this blog, I’m not talking about you honey, it’s a few men only whom I’m calling wicked. :D
And by the by, we have many common friends of whom I’d never ever get jealous! So, don’t get me wrong. It’s only the kind I talked about previously who get on my nerves.
So, to what extent would this kind of friendship between men and women affect marriage? I heard an interesting opinion that says there is no so called friendship between a man and a woman once he/she gets married! Having a close friend of the other gender is mostly dangerous to marriage. I'm not convinced of this but what do you guys think?

Emotional Instability

I'm not a moody person by nature, or at least that's what I believe myself to be. I mean I'm not one of those people who wake up feeling bad, and just feel like crying or even beating someone up for no specific reason. When I feel bad, it's usually because something happened and made me feel so. Mostly I'm happy and optimistic. But I am a very sensitive girl, I must admit, I sometimes can be very easily irritated and hurt, and cry easily, that's why some people are usually careful when they deal with me :D. Still I am anything but moody.

But lately, I noticed that I've actually became moody! I sometimes find a big difficulty in controlling my temper and getting rid of strain and negative emotions. This makes me feel bad and guilty at times. I couldn't understand why is this happening until I found out that the unbalanced hormone levels are to be blamed for causing all this mess. Hormones change dramatically during pregnancy making the woman very moody, grumpy and overly emotional. A fact that many people, especially men, have no idea about. They think that she's only being na22a2a and daloo3a lol. What do they know about PMSing for nine months anyway? :p

Now I understand why they say that a pregnant woman needs all the care and support from the people around her (especially from the husband) during this sensitive stage. Thank God I have a very supportive family and caring friends who are helping me out through this phase. Being away from my husband is painful, I must say, but I'll do my best to make it not affect me much, if not for my sake, then for the sake of our baby.
So, guys, if you have any pregnant woman in the family, please be very supportive and nice, do not try to irritate her because you never know what her reaction might be :D. But in case anything happened, lay the blame on her crazy hormones not on her. ;)

لـيالي الشـمال الحـزينة

I am speechless, I really don't know what to say. We've been hoping for things to get better since more than three years. Yet, things are getting worse and worse each day. The people were already concerned about the situation and the growing political tension in the country. The clashes between the Lebanese Army and Fatah Al Islam extremist militants only came to add oil to the fire, not to mention the two explosions that hit Beirut over two consecutive nights.
wa ka2ano kan na2esna Fat7 Al Islam!! Where the hell did these people come from? And how did they let them gain a foothold in Lebanon? Why didn't they stop them before they settled and started messing around, before they brought death and destruction on innocent people?!! Was the bloodshed unavoidable? I blame both the Lebanese who allowed this to happen, and the Palestinians who permitted these terrorists to live among them.

I'm so mad. I feel so sorry for the innocent victims, for the Lebanese soldiers and the poor Palestinian refugees who were killed and whose homes were destroyed, na2eson ta3teer. I feel sorry for this beautiful country, she bebaki 3an jad!
I hate the feeling of insecurity that's been living within us since years. I hate to see the streets empty except of tanks and soldiers and security forces. I hate to see this anxious expression drawn of all faces. I hate the fact that we're not able to sleep to stay tuned for any breaking news. You know, even at school, at the end of each period we all ask each other: sho el akhbar? sar shee jdeed?
w ba3deen tayeb? Damn it, we've got enough, khalas bekafi :( effftttttttttt
Edit: while I was typing this, an explosion hit Aley, mount Lebanon.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

Not constantly complaining doesn’t indicate that you have a trouble-free life. Answering “I’m fine” when people ask “what’s the matter” doesn’t mean that you really are. Pretending that it’s no more than a little headache -when they persist- doesn’t necessarily mean that you are saying the truth.

The point is that I try to refrain from bothering people with my concerns, bearing in mind that each one of us already has his share of worries and troubles, and there’s no point of adding to them.

The problem is that some people are not aware of this fact. They think that the only purpose of my existence in this life is to listen to their unbearable whining over and over and over.. to serve them and help them out at any time they want.. not taking into consideration whether I'm ready or not, whether I'm really able to listen/help or not. They just don't care!
I'd rather take care of my own problems, yet I find myself stuck in solving theirs. They mess up their lives, keep on doing stupid things.. and run to you for help, fill your world with nag nag nag until your head explodes. What's worse is that they're too dump to learn from their mistakes, and you are the nice friend/sister/whatever who will never turn them down no matter what they did until the end of time. They keep flooding one's mind with horrible thoughts until you can take it no more and you end up dragged to the abyss of melancholy and despair .. you become the one who needs help.

I'm so unfortunate that I have in my life many people who are too selfish, reckless, and dependent that they can never think of solving their own problems without getting others involved... those while sinking grasp your hand so tight to make you sink with them...

I've always tried to be a good friend, a good listener who's always there to help. BUT I HATE the feeling of being used! I hate it when I discover that some people never really cared about me, they only show up whenever they need something, they only call not to ask about you but to ask you to do them some favor. I realized that I spent or wasted - to be more exact- a good part of my life worrying about others and paying for their mistakes! WHAT THE HELL?!! WHY??!! While no one, absolutely no one deserves a single sacrifice. From now on, I'll work on how to be selfish and careless and mind my own business, I'll learn how to say: "NO", "Leave me alone!", and "It's all your fault, you take care of it!". And not only that, I've decided to cut these annoying people out of my life and I started to apply the decision already. Man, Life looks much brighter without them already! Pheeewww!
We only live once and I want to live a happy life.. the way I want it to be.. not the way they turned it into.
You're miserable? OK Fine! Why make the people around you as miserable as you are and turn their lives into a living hell?!

I'm not posting this to say that I'm a nice caring person, this post is more like a wake-up call..to remind myself of how STUPID I've been.
Oh and I've just noticed that I was whining about whining :D