Gazan Mothers, My Heart Goes Out to You

I was expecting visitors on that day.. I was alone, busy, cleaning, preparing food, and baking some sweets... moving from a room to another, and of course having Kareem with me wherever I go.. I went to the living room, carrying my baby in his carrycot, when suddenly the handle of the carrycot was unlocked and Kareem was there... lying on the floor...screaming like crazy...

I couldn't believe that this was really happening... I must be dreaming... it must be the worst nightmare ever!

I rushed to hold him... to check whether he was hurt or not... I could see nothing, no bruises, no blood, but he was crying so hard. My heart almost stopped. I was shaking all over, my tears were falling down my face... and I could barely speak when I called my husband asking him to come home IMMEDIATELY. I was in Abu Dhabi, and he in Dubai, and I wanted him to come immediately, lol
He tried to calm me down so that he can understand what happened, meanwhile Kareem was starting to calm down in his turn until his crying stopped. Minutes later he started acting normally, but I was not, was still worried, overwhelmed with grief, anxiety, pain and guilt, kissing and hugging him passionately, and repeating to myself, I will never forgive myself, I will never forgive myself, it's all my fault, I will never forgive myself
Back to my senses, I found myself soaking wet. Kareem was staring at me in surprise maybe wondering why was I crying. I made a phone call apologizing to the guests that I won't be able to receive them. To make the story short, when Ammar came home, we took Kareem to the doctor who assured us that there was nothing wrong with him, thank God. But still, I will never forgive myself .

This happened like a month ago, and every time I try to blog about it, I get so emotional, delete what I typed and abandon the whole idea.

The emotional impact of this incident was so overwhelming. It is so hard for a mother to see her baby hurt, not even a bit, or to hear him crying in pain.

Now watching what's going on in Gaza, the 315+ children who were killed, and the hundreds or thousands others who were badly injured, burned, or lost their limbs, I can't really imagine how would their mothers be feeling now. I just can't! If I went through all this torture when my baby fell and wasn't a bit hurt, what are these mothers going through now????
I'm all out of words!

Gaza

When words fail us
When we feel completely helpless
We can do nothing but pray
for their safety and protection

US positions warships near Lebanon

The US has sent three warships, including the USS Cole, to take up positions off the coast of Lebanon in a show of force over the ongoing political deadlock in the country.....

And what exactly is this supposed to mean?!

لـيالي الشـمال الحـزينة

I am speechless, I really don't know what to say. We've been hoping for things to get better since more than three years. Yet, things are getting worse and worse each day. The people were already concerned about the situation and the growing political tension in the country. The clashes between the Lebanese Army and Fatah Al Islam extremist militants only came to add oil to the fire, not to mention the two explosions that hit Beirut over two consecutive nights.
wa ka2ano kan na2esna Fat7 Al Islam!! Where the hell did these people come from? And how did they let them gain a foothold in Lebanon? Why didn't they stop them before they settled and started messing around, before they brought death and destruction on innocent people?!! Was the bloodshed unavoidable? I blame both the Lebanese who allowed this to happen, and the Palestinians who permitted these terrorists to live among them.

I'm so mad. I feel so sorry for the innocent victims, for the Lebanese soldiers and the poor Palestinian refugees who were killed and whose homes were destroyed, na2eson ta3teer. I feel sorry for this beautiful country, she bebaki 3an jad!
I hate the feeling of insecurity that's been living within us since years. I hate to see the streets empty except of tanks and soldiers and security forces. I hate to see this anxious expression drawn of all faces. I hate the fact that we're not able to sleep to stay tuned for any breaking news. You know, even at school, at the end of each period we all ask each other: sho el akhbar? sar shee jdeed?
w ba3deen tayeb? Damn it, we've got enough, khalas bekafi :( effftttttttttt
Edit: while I was typing this, an explosion hit Aley, mount Lebanon.

تنذكر ما تنعاد

Today marks thirty two years since the outbreak of the Lebanese civil war (1975-1990).

"The spark that ignited the war occurred in Beirut on April 13, 1975, when gunmen killed four Phalangists during an attempt on Pierre Jumayyil's life. Perhaps believing the assassins to have been Palestinian, the Phalangists retaliated later that day by attacking a bus carrying Palestinian passengers across a Christian neighborhood, killing about twenty-six of the occupants. The next day fighting erupted in earnest, with Phalangists pitted against Palestinian militiamen (thought by some observers to be from the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine). The confessional layout of Beirut's various quarters facilitated random killing. Most Beirutis stayed inside their homes during these early days of battle, and few imagined that the street fighting they were witnessing was the beginning of a war that was to devastate their city and divide the country. "

This day sums up fifteen years of killing, suffering, pain and destruction.. a day to be remembered.. and a lesson to be learned so that not to fall in the same trap again. Tanzakar ma ten3ad.

نزار قباني
يا ست الدنيا يا بيروت


1
يا ستَّ الدنيا يا بيروتْ...
مَنْ باعَ أسواركِ المشغولةَ بالياقوتْ؟
من صادَ خاتمكِ السّحريَّ،
وقصَّ ضفائركِ الذهبيّهْ؟
من ذبحَ الفرحَ النائمَ في عينيكِ الخضرواينْ؟
من شطبَ وجهكِ بالسّكّين،
وألقى ماءَ النارِ على شفتيكِ الرائعتينْ؟
من سمّمَ ماءَ البحرِ، ورشَّ الحقدَ على الشطآنِ الورديّهْ؟
ها نحنُ أتينا.. معتذرينَ.. ومعترفينْ
أنّا أطلقنا النارَ عليكِ بروحٍ قبليّهْ..
فقتلنا امرأة.. كانت تُدعى (الحريّهْ)...


2
ماذا نتكلّمُ يا بيروتْ..
وفي عينيكِ خلاصةُ حزنِ البشريّهْ
وعلى نهديكِ المحترقين.. رمادُ الحربِ الأهليّهْ
ماذا نتكلّمُ يا مروحةَ الصّيفِ، ويا وردتَهُ الجوريّهْ؟
من كانَ يفكّر أن نتلاقى - يا بيروتُ - وأنتِ خرابْ؟
من كانَ يفكّر أن تنمو للوردةِ آلافُ الأنيابْ؟
من كانَ يفكّر أنَّ العينَ تقاتلُ في يومٍ ضدَّ الأهدابْ؟
ماذا نتكلّم يا لؤلؤتي؟
يا سنبلتي..
يا أقلامي..
يا أحلامي..
يا أوراقي الشعريّهْ..
من أينَ أتتكِ القسوةُ يا بيروتْ،
وكنتِ برقّةِ حوريّهْ؟
لا أفهمُ كيف انقلبَ العصفورُ الدوريُّ..
لقطّةِ ليلٍ وحشيّهْ..
لا أفهمُ أبداً يا بيروتْ
لا أفهمُ كيف نسيتِ اللهَ..
وعُدتِ لعصرِ الوثنيّهْ..

3
قومي من تحتِ الموجِ الأزرقِ، يا عِشتارْ
قومي كقصيدةِ وردٍ ..
أو قومي كقصيدةِ نارْ
لا يوجدُ قبلكِ شيءٌ.. بعدكِ شيءٌ.. مثلكِ شيءٌ..
أنتِ خلاصاتُ الأعمارْ..
يا حقل اللؤلؤِ..
يا ميناءَ العشقِ..
ويا طاووسَ الماءْ..
قومي من أجلِ الحبِّ، ومن أجلِ الشّعراءْ
قومي من أجل الخبزِ، ومن أجلِ الفقراءْ
الحبُّ يريدكِ.. يا أحلى الملكاتْ..
والربُّ يريدكِ.. يا أحلى الملكاتْ..
ها أنتِ دفعتِ ضريبةَ حسنكِ مثل جميعِ الحسناواتْ
ودفعتِ الجزيةَ عن كلِّ الكلماتْ..

4
قومي من نومكِ..
يا سُلطانةُ، يا نوَّارةُ، يا قنديلاً مشتعلاً في القلبْ
قومي كي يبقى العالمُ يا بيروتْ..
ونبقى نحنُ..
ويبقى الحبّْ...
قومي..
يا أحلى لؤلؤةٍ أهداها البحرْ
الآن عرفنا ما معنى ..
أن نقتلَ عصفوراً في الفجرْ
الآنَ عرفنا ما معنى ..
أن ندلقَ فوقَ سماءِ الصّيفِ زجاجةَ حبرْ
الآن عرفنا ..
أنّا كُنّا ضدَّ اللهِ .. وضدَّ الشّعرْ ..

5
يا ستَّ الدنيا يا بيروتْ ..
يا حيثُ الوعدُ الأوّلُ .. والحبُّ الأوّلُ ..
يا حيثُ كتبنا الشعرَ ..
وخبّأناه بأكياسِ المُخملْ ..
نعترفُ الآنَ .. بأنّا كُنّا يا بيروتُ،
نُحبّكِ كالبدوِ الرُحّلْ ..
ونُمارسُ فعلَ الحبِّ .. تماماً
كالبدوِ الرُحَّلْ ...
نعترفُ الآنَ .. بأنَّكِ كُنتِ خليلتنا
نأوي لفراشكِ طولَ اللّيل ...
وعندَ الفجرِ، نهاجرُ كالبدوِ الرُحَّلْ
نعترفُ الآنَ .. بأنّا كُنّا أميّينَ ..
وكُنّا نجهلُ ما نفعلْ ..
نعترفُ الآنَ، بأنّا كُنّا مِن بينِ القَتَلَهْ ..
ورأينا رأسكِ ..
يسقطُ تحتَ صخورِ الرَوْشَةِ كالعصفورْ
نعترفُ الآنَ ..
بأنّا كُنّا - ساعةَ نُفِّذَ فيكِ الحُكمُ -
شهودَ الزورْ ..

6
نعترفُ أمامَ اللهِ الواحدِ ..
أنّا كُنّا منكِ نغارُ ..
وكانَ جمالكِ يؤذينا ..
نعترفُ الآنَ ..
بأنّا لم ننصفْكِ .. ولم نعذُرْكِ .. ولم نفهمْكِ ..
وأهديناكِ مكانَ الوردةِ سِكّينا ...
نعترفُ أمامَ اللهِ العادلِ ...
أنّا راودناكِ ..
وعاشرناكِ ..
وضاجعناكِ ..
وحمّلناكِ معاصينا ..
يا ستَّ الدنيا، إن الدنيا بعدكِ ليستْ تكفينا ..
الآنَ عرفنا .. أنَّ جذوركِ ضاربةٌ فينا ..
الآنَ عرفنا .. ماذا اقترفتْ أيدينا ..

7
اللهُ .. يفتّشُ في خارطةِ الجنّةِ عن لُبنانْ
والبحرُ يفتّشُ في دفترهِ الأزرقِ عن لُبنانْ
والقمرُ الأخضرُ ..
عادَ أخيراً كي يتزوّجَ من لُبنانْ ..
أعطيني كفّكِ يا جوهرةَ اللّيلِ، وزنبقةَ البلدانْ
نعترفُ الآنَ ..
بأنّا كُنّا ساديّينَ، ودمويّينَ ..
وكُنّا وكلاءَ الشيطانْ
يا ستَّ الدنيا يا بيروتْ ..
قومي من تحتِ الرَدمِ، كزهرةِ لوزٍ في نيسانْ
قومي من حُزنكِ ..
إنَّ الثورةَ تولدُ من رحمِ الأحزانْ
قومي أكراماً للغاباتِ ..
وللأنهارِ ..
وللوديانِ ..
قومي إكراماً للإنسانْ ..
إنّا أخطأنا يا بيروتُ ..
وجئنا نلتمسُ الغفرانْ ..

8
ما زلتُ أحبُّكِ يا بيروتُ المجنونهْ ..
يا نهرَ دماءٍ وجواهرْ ..
ما زلتُ أحبُّكِ يا بيروتُ القلبِ الطيّبِ ..
يا بيروتُ الفوضى ..
يا بيروتُ الجوعِ الكافرِ .. والشّبعِ الكافرِ ..
ما زلتُ أحبُّكِ يا بيروتُ العدلِ ..
ويا بيروتُ الظلمِ ..
ويا بيروتُ السّبْيِ ..
ويا بيروتُ القاتلِ والشاعرْ ..
ما زلتُ أحبُّكِ يا بيروتُ العشقِ ..
ويا بيروتُ الذبحِ من الشّريانِ إلى الشّريانْ ..
ما زلتُ أحبُّكِ رغمَ حماقاتِ الإنسانْ
ما زلتُ أحبُّكِ يا بيروتُ ..
لماذا لا نبتدئُ الآنْ؟

sung by Majeda Al Roumi

snippets of our daily conversations

She: So, when are we going to start walking? Spring is in the air already.
Me: Sure, we have to. Where do you want to walk?
She: korneesh?
Me: Good idea
She: But, is it safe?
Me: I don't know. When was the last time they found a bomb in Saida?
She: Yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and the day before that... every day. Not to mention the poisonous balloons Israeli planes are dumping on the country.
Me: Then, forget it!
She: What are we going to do then?
Me: Stay safe at home, have some chips, chocolate and coffee hehe
She: 2oltek, staying at home and gaining weight better than walking and get killed :D

Later...
She: Diana, you know what? I envy you.
Me: What for?
She: because you're leaving Lebanon
Me: I've been hearing this remark pretty much lately.
She: Yeah..
Me: I'm glad that I'm leaving, I wish I can leave now and don't have to wait 4 months. I'm disgusted and can't take it anymore. At first I was worried.. leaving the place where you were born and lived all your life is not easy. But now I don't want to stay here for one more day.
You know, safety is a precious feeling. If I'm in Jordan now, I'd go anywhere I want at anytime.
I knew the value of safety when we fled to Jordan last summer during the war. I miss that feeling. *sigh*
She: I wonder.. which is more precious.. safety or dignity?

Untitled Scribble

In it, I read that my people, the Pashtuns, had persecuted and oppressed the Hazaras. The book said that my people had killed the Hazaras, driven them from their hands, burned their homes, and sold their women. The book said part of the reason Pashtuns had oppressed the Hazaras was that Pashtuns were Sunni Muslims, while Hazaras were Shi’a.
[….] The following week, after class, I showed the book to my teacher and pointed to the chapter on the Hazaras. He skimmed through a couple of pages, snickered, handed the book back. “That’s the one thing Shi’a people do well”, he said, picking up his papers, “passing themselves as martyrs.” He wrinkled his nose when he said the word Shi’a, like it was some kind of disease.

As this conflict is currently brought to the surface whether in Iraq or in Lebanon and with the rising Shia-Sunni tension in the Middle East in general, I was stunned to find out that this issue is chasing me even in the books I’m reading. The Kite Runner, seems to be a great book by the way, I’m enjoying it already. Actually Weddo was the one who first recommended it. Thanks Weddo!
I was just talking about this subject a couple of days ago with an Algerian friend who happens to be married to a Lebanese “Shiite”. The conversation touched me as she was expressing her immense anxiety and fear of the impact of what’s happening lately on the future of her kids. She told me that the school where her children study at called her informing her that her son pushed his friend saying: “don’t talk to me you filthy Sunni!” Her husband and she were shocked because they never talk about this Sunni Shia thingie in front of their kids at all.
“Where on earth did you get these ideas from?” The father yelled at the boy.
“but father, Sunnies are filthy. They hate us! We're not supposed to talk to them.” The boy’s reply was.
The parents couldn’t believe their ears. The father explained that this is not true, he wanted to get these poisoned ideas out of his son’s mind “How can you say that? Sunnis are not enemies! Do you know that your own mother is Sunni?”
The boy was taken aback; he did not know this fact.
His mother said: “What? Are you going to stop taking to me as well for being a filthy Sunni?”
The boy felt ashamed of himself and couldn’t answer. This incident left the mother in utter devastation. She was wondering, why can’t they just let us live in peace? Why do they have to impose hatred and violence in our lives, in our homes, on our children?

She was right. I’ve always hated these everlasting conflicts.. discriminations.. battles and wars..between east and west, black and white, Christians and Muslims, Sunnis and Shiites, left and right, atheists and believers, old and new, and and and and.. Can’t humans live in peace, for once? We are all humans after all.

I've always hated this everlasting tendency to kill, torture, burn, destroy. I can't understand how can humans be this evil. 1984 has obviously affected me and put me in a state of bewilderment.

"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face--for ever."

The Triumph of Love

I stopped at this event with amazement. US marine who was terribly burned in a suicide bomb attack in Iraq came back home and married his sweetheart . Their love and devotion is unbelievable. She married him despite his horrific burns. They called it The Triumph of Love. They say that they see love with their heart and not with their eyes. This reminds me of " beauty and the beast"... Beauty lies not upon the face, but within the heart...I'm speechless.. really.
Their story

Resolve it. Solve it!

Our Parents couldn’t stop it in 1975, are we going to relive it in 2007?

"You may be feeling powerless in the midst of colors and slogans, propaganda and violence. You may be sitting at home anxious about your present and fearful for your future. Perhaps you have already turned off the news. There are ALWAYS alternative and peaceful channels to turn to. As concerned citizens we reject empty promises, propaganda, subliminal calls to violence, and sectarian rhetoric. We refuse civil war. Act immediately before it is too late."

Demand Civil Solutions

How many politicians does it take to screw up a country?

for full view, click the images.

The Lebanese never seized to amaze me with their creative ways in expressing their feelings and attitudes towards the horrible political, social and economic situation in the country. I've just came across this group of unaffilated concerned Lebanese citizens who are tired of being marganalized and ignored. RESOLVE IT. SOLVE IT are calling on other concerned citizens, regardless of their political affilation, to join them in taking a stand.

"On Saturday, February 10th at 2pm, we are organizing a human chain in Beirut to publicly demand an immediate and peaceful resolution to the political deadlock. We can no longer tolerate the growing violence leaving us anxious about our present and fearful for our future. Unhappy with the reckless discourse and actions of politicians, we refuse to be led toward instability and civil war. This is the reason why we are here today. "

"We call on the politicians to sit down and resolve this crisis. Compromise is not Failure. Resolve it, Solve it CREATE A SOLUTION THERE’S NO EXCUSE Demand CIVIL solutions NOW and say NO CIVIL WAR "

I wonder whether the voices of this group or that of March 11 group and Stop Sactarianism Campaign will ever get heard or taken into consideration by the politicians and consequently help in taking the country out of this crisis. Still, no doubt that what they're doing is much better than staying silent. All respect.

I miss you, I truly do !

I've grown exceptionally passionate about my students lately knowing that I will leave them soon and God knows if I will ever see them again. Browsing my flickr photos album , I came upon a picture that put me in a state of melancholy.
It's a picture for Sally and Jana who were two of my favorite students. I used to love them deeply for they have all what one wants of a kid.. smartness, cuteness and politeness.

Sally and Jana didn't return to the school this year. Since the end of the war we've heard and known nothing about them. I've not forgotten them but seeing their picture today made me think about them intensively and wonder where they are and if they're OK or not. I hope that they're safe and sound wherever they are.

His Majesty said...

"We're juggling with the strong potential of three civil wars in the region, whether it's the Palestinians, that of Lebanon, or of Iraq."
CNN

Oh,well.

caricatures of Al Hayat Newspaper

Quoting أحلام مستغانمي

في الحروب، ليس الذين يموتون هم التعساء دائما
إن الأتعس هم أولائك الذين يتركونهم خلفهم ثكالى، يتامى، ومعطوبي أحلام
...

من كتاب: ذاكرة الجسد

Fadfoodah

Still suffering the consequences of war...
This may sound silly, however I find it annoying. Going to the supermarket and find that nothing on my shopping list is available disturbs me big time. Haven't they started importing yet?!!!!
Why me, why the products I use? No milk, no soup, no shower gel, no chocolate, no kinder country,no galaxy, no galaxy jewels, no cappuccino, no and no and no.....Nothing!
efftttt

A New Year Has Come

It seems that no single generation in Lebanon is spared from living and witnessing the horror of war and its consequences, and then spending their lives trying to mend the injuries and erase the traces of misery and suffering before a new war comes to emblazon them all over again.

Children, being young, inexperienced and sensitive, went more than anyone else through a very hard time. And they , more than anyone else, need the big help and support to get over what happened.

Family, experts, along with us, teachers, have a big mission this year. We'll be cooperating to help take the war out of the children.

Our mission officially starts tomorrow. By the order of the Minister of Education, schools in Lebanon start on October 9^th 2006.

So, this year, is not like any other year, we'll be facing a big challenge. Our main concern will be focused on the psychological state of children at first, before we can gradually get them back to normal. Various activities will be inserted like ballet dancing, theatre, parties and others. It's gonna be mainly an "entertaining year", at least during the first months, which of course will affect the academic productivity, but this is the only way we can handle the situation.

Tomorrow the mission will start. I can't wait to see the children. I wonder how are they, who was affected the most by the war, did they change a lot, will there be any shocking surprises, what do they have to tell me about the war, I bet they have a lot of stories to share.

Anyway, let's wait and see. Wish me luck.

Lebanon, Oh Lebanon

Seeing all the destruction on my way back home saddened me a lot. Yet, the day I left Lebanon was more heart breaking.
The way the war started unexpectedly, the feeling of being trapped, imprisoned and helpless. The way we left, or ran away to be more precise... everything was just like some stupid nightmare.
The scene that affected me the most, on the day I left, was seeing Beirut completely deserted on a Saturday night. It looked like a city of ghosts. It hurt me to leave Beirut like that...

It also hurts big time to come back, and see this and much more in front of my eyes ...

Hey, I'm back!

As I previously mentioned, we were planning to spend the summer vacation in Jordan. Unfortunately, the war broke out while I was still in Lebanon, and we spent four miserable days disparately trying to find a way to leave. Until we were told that the Jordanians can be delivered safely from the Jordanian embassy in Baabda directly to Jordan, and that's what actually happened.

We left Lebanon on Saturday night, July 15th, and arrived to Jordan on Sunday morning. It was a long, very tiring journey, but el Hamulillah, we arrived safe and sound. We stayed in Jordan for about 40 days, and came back to Lebanon last week.

Despite the fact that we were all the time worried about our relatives, friends and the people in Lebanon, always thinking of them and praying for them to stay safe, our vacation is considered good and interesting, for it was full of events that kept me fully occupied.

I met my brothers, aunts and uncles and their families after a year of being away. I also had a chance to meet my friends: SimSim, Rana, Ola, Dina, Weddo, Qais, Amjad, and Raeef. Did I forget anyone? I guess not. It was really great to meet you guys!

Now wait to hear the big news! Ladies and gentlemen, I got engaged! Oh, yes I did! and guess to whom? to the guy who keeps teasing me,lol. I got engaged to Dead Man Walking. He's a great guy, and I'm really happy I got to know someone like him :)

I was real busy during the last month that I didn't have a chance to blog. That's it for now. See u around soon ;)