Midnight Blabbering

Kareem is thirteen months old now. I intended to post something on the blog on his first birthday, to talk much about him, about me, about us.. about the past year.. but I couldn't, I was internetless then..
Anyway, while I'm supposed to be deeply asleep now, I find myself blabbering here... I missed this place, I miss so many things in my life.. and most importantly I miss me, myself, my old self.. I fail to recognize who I am anymore.. I fail to have this connection with my inner self ..
Is it only me, or being a wife/mother is really a tough job?? I mean I see other mothers who don't seem to be having a hard time in doing their jobs, Allahoma la 7asad, and seem to be enjoying their lives, finding time to go out, to watch TV, to spend a couple of hours online, chatting or whatever.. in addition to many other things.. Why don't I have time to do that?? Is it something wrong with me or with organizing my life or what is the problem exactly? Why don't I have time to watch TV for example ? Nefsi a7darli shi movie aw shi mosalsal, lol, I only watch snippets. I miss reading, I got this new book, and believe it or not, I read the first page like ten times, you know why? because everytime I start reading ,something happens , el tabkha, el walad, ma ba3ref sho..., and I leave the book, come back later, start all over again, then leave it, start again, and so on... Eventually I gave up and threw it among the other books. And this small incident made me feel bad and made me feel pity for myself.
Not that I'm not enjoying being a mom and a wife, I mean Kareem and his father mean the world to me and I love them so much and can't imagine my life without them, but it's just one of those times when I feel that I'm totally exhausted and drained and need a break. I was counting on the vacation to have some rest, but the vacation is over, back to school tomorrow, and Mr. Rest hasn't arrived yet :D
We had to move to a new place and stuff, so we spent the vacation here in Dubai. Not going to Lebanon, and not seeing my mom, who misses Kareem terribly, is also something that makes me feel bad.
Anyway, Kareem is a walker now, he starts walking like a couple of weeks ago, and he's enjoying it :D runnig around the house all day long... Seeing him walking was so heartwarming, my little man is growing fast..
His babbling is really funny, I wish I can know what exactly he's trying to say :D But of course he says some recognizable words like: mama, baba, may (water), num(food), batta(duck), babeh(tabeh=ball), yayeh(jajeh=chicken), bye, ayo (alo), ban (laban=yogurt), ban can also stand for baloon :D, bayi (barney, his favorite show), and guess what? he calls his father Ammaaaaay :D He hears me calling him Ammar Ammar, so he now calls him Ammay instead of baba :D
OK, that made me feel better, I guess I must go get some sleep now. My sleep debt is growing bigger :S
Have a blessed Ramadan everyone! :)

Hello there!

I feel bad for not updating this blog since a long while, for not writing about Kareem's first tooth, the first time he crawled, the first time he stood, his first days at the daycare, the first time he waved goodbye, the first time he clapped his hands, the first time he said mama and baba. I really feel so sorry for missing all these and other chances and not updating Kareem's blog regularly, but at the same time, I can't blame myself because I've been, and still, reeeeeeally busy and I have neither the time nor the peace of mind to write about anything or to even touch the computer sometimes.
As many of you know, I started a new job three months ago, yes I'm back to teaching, and no time for anything, just the job, the house, and Kareem. but elhamdulillah, despite the exhaustion, I feel much better, way better than being a stay-at-home wife and mother. Even Kareem has changed a lot since ever he started going to the daycare (which happens to be in the same school I work at) and seeing other babies and toddlers. He became more sociable and more happy. He used to be very shy and very scared of people.
Anyway, two more weeks and we'll take our summer vacation, still haven't decided whether we'll go to Lebanon and/or Jordan yet, what's important is that I need this vacation soooo badly.
I hope I can have more time to blog again, and to read your blogs, missed those days..
that's it for now, just thought of dropping a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive :D

Realization

Q:When do you realize that you are really nervous?
A:When you brush your teeth so vigorously until your gum bleeds.

Back to School

Gazan Mothers, My Heart Goes Out to You

I was expecting visitors on that day.. I was alone, busy, cleaning, preparing food, and baking some sweets... moving from a room to another, and of course having Kareem with me wherever I go.. I went to the living room, carrying my baby in his carrycot, when suddenly the handle of the carrycot was unlocked and Kareem was there... lying on the floor...screaming like crazy...

I couldn't believe that this was really happening... I must be dreaming... it must be the worst nightmare ever!

I rushed to hold him... to check whether he was hurt or not... I could see nothing, no bruises, no blood, but he was crying so hard. My heart almost stopped. I was shaking all over, my tears were falling down my face... and I could barely speak when I called my husband asking him to come home IMMEDIATELY. I was in Abu Dhabi, and he in Dubai, and I wanted him to come immediately, lol
He tried to calm me down so that he can understand what happened, meanwhile Kareem was starting to calm down in his turn until his crying stopped. Minutes later he started acting normally, but I was not, was still worried, overwhelmed with grief, anxiety, pain and guilt, kissing and hugging him passionately, and repeating to myself, I will never forgive myself, I will never forgive myself, it's all my fault, I will never forgive myself
Back to my senses, I found myself soaking wet. Kareem was staring at me in surprise maybe wondering why was I crying. I made a phone call apologizing to the guests that I won't be able to receive them. To make the story short, when Ammar came home, we took Kareem to the doctor who assured us that there was nothing wrong with him, thank God. But still, I will never forgive myself .

This happened like a month ago, and every time I try to blog about it, I get so emotional, delete what I typed and abandon the whole idea.

The emotional impact of this incident was so overwhelming. It is so hard for a mother to see her baby hurt, not even a bit, or to hear him crying in pain.

Now watching what's going on in Gaza, the 315+ children who were killed, and the hundreds or thousands others who were badly injured, burned, or lost their limbs, I can't really imagine how would their mothers be feeling now. I just can't! If I went through all this torture when my baby fell and wasn't a bit hurt, what are these mothers going through now????
I'm all out of words!

The Sleepless Mom

So, finally Kareem fell asleep.. and as it is the case every night, I take advantage of being alone and free at last to have some "me" time before he wakes up again. By "me" time I definitely don't mean going shopping or going out with friends or relax or watch a movie or maybe read a book or something, as I used to do before, my me time these days is no more than check mail, send a message, make a phone call, or take a quick peek at my favorite websites, not to mention enjoying a cup of hot cocoa or ice-cream or any other guilty pleasure. I actually cherish this time when I am finally all alone, when I can do what I previously mentioned without having to be in a hurry...
*sigh*

So, instead of heading directly to bed to get some sleep after a hectic day, I find myself seduced by a state of silence and solitude to stay awake and enjoy it as it lasts.
Every morning, when I wake up so tired and sleepy, because Kareem wakes up like every hour or two at night, I blame myself for staying awake after my baby sleeps and decide that I'll never do it again and I better have some mercy and get myself some sleep cause in my case, every minute of sleep counts! And here I am, can't overcome the temptation of having some time for myself, and can't fall asleep despite the severe sleep deprivation I am suffering from. I don't remember when was the last time I had a good night's sleep. I've been sleep deprived since I was pregnant, so it's been more than a year now.... Sometimes, I feel lucky that I still remember my own name, LOL!! Seriously, I'm losing it! Can't function or focus, can't concentrate on anything. And guess what?? I'm looking for a job! Isn't that funny! :D

I'll talk about the job thingie later, and why I am looking for a job, but now, what was I talking about?? Oh yes, the sleeplessness, I need to find a solution sooo badly. Remember when I let Kareem cry himself to sleep? I felt so guilty afterwards and decided never to do it again no matter what, and completely abandoned the whole idea of letting my baby cry it out. So I searched and searched and read so many articles about this problem until I came across this book, The No Cry Sleep Solution, read it and just started following the instructions. Now I have my fingers crossed hoping that this plan will work and I finally get some sleep and start functioning like a normal human being again, lol .

My New AddictionS

Crunchy peanut butter and strawberry jam.

Tea biscuits with tea, coffee or milk. This addiction actually started when I was pregnant, like the many other things that I couldn't find an explanation to, I so craved biscuits with milk to the extent that instead of just dipping the biscuits into milk, I used to fill the milk mug with biscuits until smooth and eat it with a spoon, heaven! :D

Congratulations Simsim

I've just learned that my dear friend and blogger, Simsim, has got engaged. WOHOOOOOO

I can't describe how happy and excited I am for her! Congratulations sweetie, you deserve the best. My warm wishes for a lifetime of  joy and togetherness. God bless you :)

xoxo

Scenes (3)

setting: at the doctor's clinic, a couple of weeks ago.

Scene 1:

A mother who's son was suffering from a severe stomach pain was feeding him man2osheh b za3tar and soda.

Scene 2:

A mother(?) was busy chatting with everyone while the maid was holding her baby girl the whole time. When the baby cries, the maid tries to soothe her, when she's hungry, the maid prepares the bottle and feeds her, when the baby nags, the maid talks and plays with her or takes her for a walk. The mother doesn't bother to even look at her baby or try to know what's wrong with her.

I wonder if the baby knows who her real mother is.

Eid Mubarak

Although it isn't that happy here in Lebanon, I wish you all a Happy Eid! :)

Scenes (2)

Scene 1
He and his fiancée had just finished their meals. He was thinking about the bill already when he suddenly craved for a dessert. He hesitated for a moment and then asked his fiancée: "hmm, Do you want a dessert or something?" (Please dear God, make her say no, please please).
-"hmm, well.."
-(OMG, is she going to say yes?! I must act quickly) "we can share one you know"
-"Share?! No thanks!"
-"OK good, so you don't want a dessert? I'll order one for myself"
- looking at him in disbelief and anger"Sa7tain!!"

Scene 2
He and his fiancée had just finished their meals.
-"It's time for a dessert, what do you want to have sweetie?"
-"I don't know, what do you suggest?"
-"They have good chocolate cakes here, and I know that you like chocolate cake, what do you think?"
-"OK, let it be chocolate cake then" :)
_"Alright honey"

Scenes from Life (1)

Scene 1
She heard a knock at the door.. she hurried to open it. To her surprise, it was her father who came home unexpectedly. She was stunned, drew back and rushed to her room as if she had just seen a monster.

Scene 2
She heard a knock at the door.. she hurried to open it. To her surprise, it was her father who came home unexpectedly. She got all excited and rushed up to hug and kiss him telling him how glad she was to see him home early. She had so many things to tell him, and they were gonna spend some good time together, as usual...

MAD

and where else to vent, my dear blog of course!
*Kareem was sick. I couldn't sleep last night. His coughing and noisy breath made me worried and nervous. I couldn't wake him up to clean his stuffy nose for I knew how upset he usually becomes when someone wakes him up. My poor baby. I couldn't hear him breathing like that, as if I was the one who's finding a difficulty in breathing not him. He's much better today, thank God!

*So, on the first day of Ramadan, I am tired, sleepy, a bit hungry but verrrrry thirsty.

*I almost had a fight with the neighbors, yeah yeah on the first day of Ramadan, because Kareem was terrified by the fireworks noise their children were playing with! Not to mention the loud music the other neighbors play which is very disturbing. I wish I can report them to the police.

*I can't believe how "shallow" and silly some people are! I hate the fact that I have to deal with this sort of people.

Ramadan Mubarak sa7ee7 :$

Our First Anniversary

Exactly a year ago today, we got married. I don't believe it's been a year! As if it was yesterday, despite the many events and changes that took place during this year.
Leaving Lebanon, celebrating our wedding in Jordan, moving to Turkey, then back to Lebanon, then moving to Dubai, and now back to Lebanon... getting pregnant.. and the most important thing my angel's birth...
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I became a wife, and a mother!
Ammar and Kareem, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm blessed to have you in my life.

Happy Anniversary my love, I love you :)

Kareem's Blog

For those who think that I'm away because I'm not updating my blog. I am not. I am around, updating THIS blog... Kareem's blog. See you there :)

Kareem, our son, has arrived!

Our little bundle of joy, our angel, Kareem, arrived on Saturday, July, 12, 2008, 12 days before the due date.
As if he was reading this post, and found in this caricature a good idea to surprise his mom :D
We're both fine El Hamdulillah and I just can't describe the joy he brought to my life :)

Hushhhhh. The Secrets Tag

I found it on Tooteh's and Noura's.
I remember doing a similar tag before, in 2007. but here are more secrets revealed. 6 things you most probably don't know about Diana.

1- I am my mother's only child, and my father's only daughter but not his only child. efhamoha ento ba2a :D

2- I was always the youngest student in the class, two years younger than my classmates. My mother was a teacher, and used to take me with her to school when I was three years old because of the civil war in Lebanon and some circumstances. At age four, she let me join first graders, who were six years old, as a "mostame3a" only. To everybody's surprise, I passed the first term exams with the highest marks :D. Yeah, I was 3abqareno, hehe. So, the school principal decided to officially register me despite my young age.

3- I used to be a man-hater. My husband was the one who made me change my mind about men :D

4- Most people know that I met my husband through a friend. Only a few of our family members know the fact that we met online :)

5- I was the one who first confessed to my husband that I love him :D, that was after he met my family. We used to like each other, bas. He was shocked, lol, because I rarely have the courage to talk openly about my feelings. But at that moment, I felt that I respect and love him so, so I just let it out :)

6- Despite being nice and calm most of the time, I become very rude and aggressive when I'm hurt. If anybody did me wrong, I must pay him back. Only then I feel relieved. *de7keh shirrera* :D

I'm supposed to tag 6 people. I tag Simsim, Loza, Nido, Adoosh, Naser, and Jasim. Yalla, tell us some of your secrets guys. :)

Random Questions Tag

I've been tagged by Lozloz. I'm supposed to answer the following questions:

- What is the color of your wallet?
it's a black Gucci wallet.
- Do you have pics in your wallet? La meen?
Yes, my mother's, my brother's and a pic for me and hubby.
- What is the most precious gift you have ever received and you love it still?
hmm, I love all the gifts I receive, how precious they are depends of course on the person I received them from and on the occasion not on their real value. I don't have a favorite one.
- Ever had an imaginary friend? If not, name your childhood friends.
My teddy bears and dolls were among my childhood friends :D
Rana, Lubna, and Nisreen were my closest friends back then.
- What is the color of your shoe/ slipper at this moment?
Silver
- Drinking something? What?
No
- What do you want to do at this moment?
I want to go to bed, I'm sleepy and tired.
- what is the first thing that comes across your mind when u read or hear the name of the blogger who tagged you?
well, many things :D
Arabic literature, poetry, Le Mirabelle Cafe (Amman) and peach flavored soda ;), yummy muffins and the famous Palestinian dish Msakhan.

Thank you Chef Loza. Feel free to do the tag people, if you are interested.

"My Mosaic" Tag

A very interesting tag that Jasim posted and I was encouraged to do.

the rules:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

The questions are:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your Flickr name.

give it a try :)

The Penguin Walk

I sometimes suffer from a backache that makes me walk with a waddle. When I was in Dubai, I went for a walk with hubby who looked at me and said: Oh, you walk like a penguin! :D I laughed so hard my eyes teared up. Couldn't imagine myself to be walking like a penguin, that's so funny, hehe
Now my mom calls me "Batta", but hubby insists that "penguin" is more accurate :D

I'm feeling heavy and tired these days, I'm bored already and want this to end very soon. I hate how impatient I am, and that I still have to wait for more than five weeks. This endless talk about labor and delivery is freaking me out. I understand that people are trying to help by giving me information and telling their own experiences but I just don't want to hear anything about this matter for the time being. I want to distract myself from thinking too much about delivery and the suffering I may go through. I keep praying for an easy and smooth delivery and a healthy baby inshallah.

Back to Lebanon

I returned back to Lebanon last Saturday, May 17, my birthday :D. which happens to be Amjad's birthday too. Happy birthday again Amjad :)
I've been lazy since then to update my blog, I still am but I'm forcing myself to write something.
Anyway, I enjoyed my stay in Dubai and being with hubby. I miss him so much already. Me and the baby are doing fine, two months to go inshallah.
I cried my eyes out when I saw the fierce clashes in Lebanon and thought that I will never manage to come back and that I will be all alone when it's time to deliver my baby. I was emotionally prepared that when that time comes, I will be in Lebanon, with family and most importantly with my mother. The mere thought that I will have to think of other options drove me crazy. But elhamdulillah, when things calmed down, I decided that everything will go the way I want and as planned. So, I flied back to Lebanon despite the many objections.
I had a hope that things will be OK, and that's what happened. After yesterday's agreement, the Lebanese are finally relieved, happy and optimistic :)

Off to Dubai

I'm leaving this week to Dubai where I'll spend a couple of months. Then I'll return back to Lebanon and stay here until delivering my baby in July inshallah. I missed my husband, I haven't seen him for more than three months and I can't wait to be with him again. He'll be surprised at how I look now, I'm surprised myself, lol. But I'm glad that we will have a chance to live this experience together even if it was only for two months, better than nothing, no?
It's my first time to the UAE, and I think that I'm gonna like it there. In all cases, it will be better than living in Turkey, hopefully. Ahhh, the-Turkey-nightmare is still haunting me apparently :D

Anyway, I'll keep praying that things get better here in Lebanon and that when I come back I find that all the issues were solved and everything is just fine. inshallah ya rab.
I may stop blogging for a while, but I'll make sure to check your blogs every now and then.
bye for now :-)

from Lebanon...to Jordan.. with Love...

In the past, the word Jordanian meant nothing to me.. it wasn’t more than a word written in my passport and a direct answer to the question: what is your nationality?

All what I can recollect from my childhood about the "Jordanian spirit" in our house is that my late father, God bless his soul, used to watch the Jordanian TV a lot, and a weird accent he and some men used to speak when they meet or speak over the phone.

With the passage of time, I started to become curious to know more about Jordan, excited to learn more about our family there. And the only way to satisfy this curiosity was to go there and find out myself.

We used to hear remarks about the Jordanians being closed-minded, old school, very conservative people. Some people even warned me from going there expecting that my family there wouldn't like the way I dress and force me to wear hijab, or may oblige me to marry one my cousins and stuff like that... I admit that this kinda freaked me out, yet didn't change my mind about visiting Jordan as soon as I had the chance to. It wasn't before the year 2001 that I finally made up my mind to go.

I set off on a chilly day in December 2001.. a day that I vividly remember. It was the first time I leave Lebanon; the first time I travel a long distance all alone. It's not a long distance travel between Lebanon and Jordan you know but back then, to me, it was. I felt a bit uneasy, but the excitement feeling was more overwhelming. When I arrived, I was showered with love... I can't tell you how sweet and caring my family in Jordan turned out to be. They are anything but closed minded and old school! It was Ramadan, and despite being very exhausted and sleepy, I stayed awake until after suhur. We had a big family gathering at suhur, and it was one of the most exciting and the most unforgettable nights I've ever had.
I spent the Eid there too. And what can I tell you, Eids in Jordan have a different taste. All the family gatherings, rejoicing, laughing, joyful conversations and great times... all were new to me. I've never thought that I had such a big happy family, and I felt very sorry that I missed all that fun in the previous years of my life.

Now, see, things became totally different. Jordan now holds a special place in my heart, Jordanian is not just a word written in my identity card, not anymore... it's now something deeper and more meaningful. Jordan is the beautiful country, the good people, the big family, the feeling of being protected and surrounded by loving, caring people. It's the place where I met my husband, where I had both my engagement and my wedding parties. The place of the most beautiful memories. The place where I had the chance to meet great people and great friends like: Rana, Ola, Areej, Weddo, Amjad, Qais, Raeef, Dina, Maher, and my best online friend Simsim, and a few more...

I'm glad that I had the chance to blog about Jordan, I thought at first that I won't find anything to write about since I don't live in Jordan. The post is personal more than anything else, but hey, at least I tried. Of course I have to thank Qwaider for coming up with this great idea :)

Ghorbeh

I am a person who gets very attached to people and places that I suffer a lot when leaving them and find a big difficulty in adapting to new ones.
I've experienced what's called culture shock more than once in my life, and I'm prepared for yet another one that's coming very soon.

The first time was when we moved to another city, leaving my friends, with whom I spent eleven years of my life, back. Despite being in the same country, the change was too much for me to bear. At school, I was surrounded by strangers instead of friends. I felt alienated and heart-broken. I used to call my friends and send them letters telling them how miserable I was without them. I didn't want to study anymore, I hated everything and everyone in my life, my school, my classmates, my teachers, everything. My grades were getting worse and worse. And I was getting more aggressive and depressed. Believe it or not, (I myself can barely believe that) It took me years to get used to my new life.

I visit Jordan once or twice a year, and I do love being there and enjoy it a lot. But it takes me one month only before I start feeling uneasy and homesick and would cry like a baby asking them to "take meeee baaaack hoooome".
The idea of living abroad and leaving Lebanon used to freak me out, and I had a feeling that I was going to leave, sooner or later. And that's what actually happened. When I got married and had to leave I promised myself not to think much about it, to be open-minded and look at the positive side, and do my best to get used to this new life as soon as possible. You know during the first stage, one feels excited, everything about the foreign country and its people seems interesting and fascinating, but later on the suffering and the homesickness begins... the worst phase of all.. when you're overwhelmed with the uncomfortable feeling of not belonging, of being an outsider, which will eventually lead to a feeling of isolation and even a hostility to the new environment. These symptoms, however, are most likely to disappear with the passage of time. I didn't reach the "recovery" and "stability" phase which is the normal outcome of living abroad though because thankfully my unborn baby decided to put an end to my frustration and bring me back home.

What made me write this post is that I noticed that there are people who, just like me, feel like a fish out of water when they move from a familiar environment and enter a strange one, while others can more easily cope with culture shock, make new friends and move on in life.
I have these two friends, one of them left her husband in Spain after three months of getting married and returned back after she could take it no more. While the other has been living in Holland for years and barely complained of being bored, homesick or depressed. People are not the same after all.
I hate el "ghorbeh".

Mothers and Babies

I came across the following funny post and thought of sharing it with you :D

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.